


The Lingerie Massacres

by Oyster



Category: A Bit of Fry and Laurie
Genre: Gen, Humor, My First Fanfic, Mystery, Yuletide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-19
Updated: 2009-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-04 14:53:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oyster/pseuds/Oyster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Head of British Intelligence and his coffee bearer wrack their brains over the latest crisis. In not so discreet a place and manner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lingerie Massacres

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hildigunnur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hildigunnur/gifts).



> The following story is in the form of a play, and I hope to have captured the subtleties of Fry's and Laurie's comedy. It's like reading the script for a "Tony &amp; Control" sketch...

_{Tony trudges down the pavement towards a lingerie boutique, affecting a carefree attitude, but not too effectively. He glances about him surreptitiously, feigning a casual air, and then slips inside in the wink of an eye._

  
Once inside, Tony hurriedly pushes the door shut with a foot, avoiding the usage of his hands lest he draws attention. He then spares a few moments to examine the cool, dimly illuminated, lightly scented interiors of the shop.

  
A smartly dressed young woman spies him from behind a mannequin, and sensing something amiss, approaches him concernedly.}

  
Woman: "How may I help you, sir?"

  
Tony: _(starts up on hearing her behind him)_ "Hullo, ma'am..." _(gazes at her quizically for a few seconds and slowly pronounces his next words)_ "My cheque book is sometimes yellow..."

  
Woman:_ (frowns, gives him a quick once-over, and speaks calmly)_ "Do you wish to settle your payments through a cheque, sir? And," _(clears throat in embarrassment) _"might you wish to purchase, something in yellow?"

  
Tony: _(steps back apologetically as it dawns on him)_ "Sorry about that, didn't mean to spring it on you..." _(cranes his neck towards the back of the boutique)_ "Where might I find _stockings _in here?"

  
Woman: _ (nods obligingly &amp; gestures towards the said area)_ "Yes indeed, over there. Shall I show you the way?"

  
Tony: _(deferentially)_ "No thank you, I'm quite alright." _(Takes a step towards the indicated area)_ "Besides, you do have an assistant round here, don't you?"

  
Woman: _(slightly taken aback)_ "Well yes, that's right... He'd be glad to help you back there."_ (continues to stare uncertainly)_

  
Tony: _(chuckling in relief)_ "Thank you, I hoped to find him here. If we're talking about the same gentleman, that is."

  
_{Tony leaves the young woman looking slightly perplexed and strolls off to the back of the boutique. Once surrounded by several scantily clad mannequins, he steals a look at a particularly voluptuous specimen. Control unexpectedly emerges from behind yet another mannequin and greets him.}_

  
Control:_ (in low confidential tones)_ "Yellow is the colour of some people's front porches..."

  
Tony: _(starts up, then slowly turns to face his boss)_ "My cheque book is sometimes yellow..."

  
_{Each stands awhile, contemplating the other, and then Control clears his throat and steps forward.}_

  
Control: "So it is you. Good evening, Tony. I see you did follow my instructions and find me here after all."

  
Tony: "Good evening, Control. Yes indeed, I was half under the impression I was being duped by a crafty enemy party, and lured into the confines of an obscure lingerie boutique. I'm afraid I baffled the helpful young lady by springing the "yellow" identification code on her. Mistook her for one of us." _(clucks tongue)_

  
Control:_ (carefully slinging a stocking over the bare shoulder of a mannequin)_ "Ah, pity. I believe I quite confounded her by offering to help out as a temporary assistant this evening. It's not _often _that a young lady running such an enterprise abruptly receives such an offer from a strange young gentleman."

  
Tony:_ (clucks tongue once again)_ "Little does she know. Secret agents must never reveal their purpose to mere civilians." _(Peers at Control)_ "Which brings me to my _next_ question-"

  
Control: _ (folding arms across his chest)_ "Why did I selected this unusual spot for a meeting? And what have I to say?"

  
Tony: "Actually Control, I was wondering why you were draped in silken stockings. And what you said your name was when you applied for this evening. And how you stumbled across so obscure a boutique. But yes, I was coming to the said questions."

  
Control: _(smiling gently)_ "Secret agents must be alert and keep a tab on all sorts of places, Tony. Even high end lingerie boutiques most likely frequented by rich ladies rather than by members of British Intelligence. I identified myself as Calculus to the young lady, no use in raising her suspicions with a name like Control. Defeats the purpose, you see. And the stockings you see are mere props to make me _look _busy."_ (casually flips a particularly delicate pair of stockings over his arm)_

  
Tony: "Ah, dashed clever of you to move in unpredictable patterns, as a good agent must. So why are we here today?"

  
Control: _(seats himself on the lap of a reclining mannequin)_ "Tony, remember that damned chain of massacres that took place this summer? The one where many of our top brass were found dead?"

  
Tony: _(pauses for recollection)_ "Golly, I do, Control. Very, very grisly. And inexplicable too. Knocked down like nine pins, all of them. Got a lead on the culprit?"

  
Control: _(chews his bottom lip)_ "Yes, indeed... "The Lingerie Massacres", they were called. And if you remember, a ladies' undergarment of some sort was invariably found on the body." _(swallows delicately as he approaches the embarrasing topic)_ "The _usual _inner wear, and sometimes, even a pair of stockings..."

  
Tony: _(swallows and grimaces)_ "Quite right. I never quite knew what to make of it. It seemed a disrespectful and petty prank at first, and then I found myself imagining the worst of things... Sexual perversion and cross dressing being among them." _(shudders)_

  
Control:_ (thoughtfully strokes a pair of plain cotton stockings)_ "So did I, Tony. Stockings of almost every sort imaginable. Cerulean and silk. Scarlet and satin. Ochre and plaid. Bottle green and polyester..." _(Looks up and smiles guiltily)_ "You get the drift. I'd often find myself wondering where the culprit acquired such fine samples, not to mention being tempted to pinch the evidence once in a while. You don't think that's odd, do you Tony?"

  
Tony: _(laughs reassuringly)_ "Not at all, Control. The best minds in the business tend to be eccentric. I know you'd never wear them anyhow."

  
_{Their eyes meet and Control nods in firm relief.}_

  
Control: "No, of course not. I couldn't afford to frolic about in skimpy numbers with a sword hanging over my head. Anyhow, there was an important detail that I'm glad we didn't overlook."

  
Tony: _ (takes a step forward and leans over eagerly, lowering his tone)_ "Pray, divulge Control. _Anything _to nail the scoundrel."

  
Control: _(heaves a sigh)_ "After tossing and turning the evidence, it was discovered that the name and address of this particular lingerie boutique was delicately sewn onto each and every article of inner wear or stocking found at the scene of crime... " _(looks up to assess Tony's reaction)_ "It's crucial to examine every nook and cranny while investigating a crime scene, you know. Even though stockings don't really have nooks and crannies."

  
Tony:_ (takes a deep breath and looks around)_ "By George, Control, that is rather important. No wonder you're tucked away _here _on a fine evening instead of opening letters in your office."

  
Control: _(twirls a lone stocking on his fingers)_ "It's fishy business, Tony. And that's not _all _we discovered."

  
Tony: _(furrows eyebrows and steps closer)_ "What else? Ladders on the stockings?"

  
Control: _(pauses for effect)_ "Something a lot more puzzling, it seems. The letter "W" was scrawled in dainty handwriting on each and _every _bit of sartorial evidence."

  
Tony: _(stuffs hands deep into pockets)_ "That's good news. A lead is always _good _news for an agent, isn't it?"

  
Control: _ (nods emphatically)_ "Yes indeed. What does that tell us?"

  
Tony: _(mulls it over)_ "That the culprit's name might begin with "W"?"

  
Control: "And _that _is why I hastened here at the earliest, armed with a suitable excuse, and found myself thumbing through the customer catalogue while _pretending _to search for stocking descriptions!"

  
Tony: _(nods thoughtfully)_ "Speedy and efficient of you, Control. What's-her-name was probably so relieved at having an extra hand around the boutique that she didn't _bother _to pry further. The human psychology, as it were."

  
Control: _(smiles appreciatively)_ "Thank you, Tony. Though at the moment it's criminal psychology that interests me more..."

  
Tony: _(frowns)_ "And criminals are _hardly _human."

  
Control: _(tapping his knee with a stockinged hand)_ "What's more, our culprit might even be a woman. Lingerie and all, you see?" _(Pauses for the facts to sink in)_ "Anyhow, flipping through the catalogue, I found names like Waltrina, Wendy, Whitney, Wilma, Willow, Winnifred, Winona,  Winter, Wren, etc etc etc...."

  
_{Tony whips out a small yellow notebook, seats himself at the feet of a rather tall mannequin, and vigorously jots down the names.}_

  
Control: _(watches his pencil scribbling away)_ "Thank you so much, Tony. Don't forget to leave a gap under each name for their home addresses! I'll try and get hold of those too. Later perhaps, but most definitely."

  
Tony: _ (without looking up)_ "It's safe to say that we're getting _somewhere_, Control..."

  
_{As both men of sterling worth sat huddled in the corner of a dimly illuminated lingerie boutique, draped in stockings and scribbling away, they were approached by a figure from the shadows. She discreetly peers over Tony shoulder into the notebook.}_

  
Woman: _ (delicately clears throat)_ "Have you found what you were looking for, sir?"

  
Tony: _(starts up and snaps shut the notebook)_ "Eh? Oh, _hello_, ma'am, it's you again! Why, yes indeed, we found... I mean, _I _found exactly what I needed." _(winks at Control)_

  
Control: _(rising deferentially)_ "You needn't bother, Wanda, Mr. Murchison and I have painstakingly sorted through a multitude of stockings, to select a provocative pair of violet fishnet stockings. Exactly what he sought."

  
_(Control produces a pair of stockings of the said description and promptly hands it over to Tony, who nods eagerly to hold up the facade and nearly snatches them from his boss.)_

  
Wanda: _(eyes glittering)_ "Thank you ever so much, Calculus. I knew I could count on you to take good care of my customers." _(Glances at Tony as she continues talking to Control)_ "That's _exactly _what you came to do, isn't it?"

  
_{She abruptly pauses for a moment, flicking an invisible thread off the bare arm of a mannequin, and then resumes her compliments.}_

  
Wanda: "It's awfully taxing to run the boutique on weekends without an assistant, and then you come along. It's almost as if I were searching _just _for you..."

  
_{She stops talking once again, and looks appraisingly at the young gentleman whose offer she accepted.}_

  
Control:_ (half blushing in gratitude) _"The pleasure's all mine, Wanda."

  
Tony:_ (faking a smile of contentment)_ "Wanda, is it ma'am? You do have a rather posh collection to offer. I see myself dropping in in the near future, if I may, to see more of your wonderful stocking stock!"

  
Wanda: _ (smiles very sweetly)_ "The pleasure's all mine, Mr. Murchison. Stockings are an excellent bait...for _customers_."

  
Tony: _(clears throat in embarrassment)_ "And sorry about that "yellow cheque book' nonsense earlier... I didn't mean to waste your time."

  
Wanda: _(with a curious air of placid calm and satisfaction)_ "Not at all... I understand _exactly _what you meant." (smiles softly) "Mr. Murchison, you wouldn't mind registering your address in our customer catalogue, would you? You've been a wonderful customer, and I do look forward to tracing you if the need arises..." _(surveys him with quiet expectation)_

  
Tony:_ (exchanging a triumphant glance with Control)_ "Why, I'd be delighted to."

  
Control: "And I've told you where to find me if ever again you need my assistance, Wanda."

  
Wanda: _(nods confidently)_ "Of course, Calculus and Mr. Murchison, I look forward to meeting you both again. Though under different circumstances is what I'd prefer... It's nearly time to wrap up now. Good day, gentlemen."

  
Tony and Control: _ (in happy unison)_ "Good day, Wanda."

THE END


End file.
